Milestone 2 - Negative Mind, Negative Life

My eighteenth birthday party was meant to be the best I’d ever had, but it quickly became the worst.

I’d invited all my closest friends, and some older friends that I hadn’t seen in years. But there was really only one person I wanted there.

It took weeks to prepare everything. Mum and I made all the food ourselves; why pay for catering when homemade food tastes so much better. It was hard, those days when we were mucking around in the kitchen, not to touch any of the food. It looked so delicious, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the numbers. Five weeks of reminding myself of the final goal.

When the day finally arrived, I was jittery and weak, but I felt euphoric. I’d made it. Standing had become harder, but thankfully it was winter; I could use baggy jumpers to hide the fragility of my body. I looked in the mirror, one half of my brain seeing the sunken cheeks and purple-ringed eyes, the other seeing nothing but skinny. I chose to listen to the other half. I’d made it this far, I could make it a few more hours. Right?

                                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You succumb to the effects of alcohol a lot faster when your body has nothing left in it. I learnt that the hard way. Two hours into the party and I was six drinks in and wasted. Thankfully, mum and dad decided that I was old enough to host an event by myself, so they weren’t around to witness the mistakes of their daughter. I was drunkenly partying on the makeshift dancefloor when the doorbell rang. I stumbled to get it, and there he was; the one person I truly wanted to be there. He stood on the verandah, dripping wet and smiling, having walked through the rain. Smiling clumsily, I fell into his open arms, mumbling a hello as I breathed in the sweet scent of rain mixed with boy. When I looked up, however, his expression had changed. The warm eyes I knew so well had darkened when he saw the mess I’d made of myself, and he pushed me off. I stumbled and fell back, having tripped over my own feet.

“You’re drunk”

“I’m not drunk, I’m just…yeah, okay. Maybe I’m a little drunk” I couldn’t stop giggling, even as he stepped over the threshold and loomed over me, anger evident in his eyes.

“What is going on with you, Ivy? You can’t keep treating yourself like this. You’re acting like an idiot. Come on, get up” I yelped in pain as he yanked me from the floor, and dragged me into the bathroom.

“Look at yourself, Ivy. Is this really what you want to show the world? This is embarrassing, and honestly, I don’t think I should have to deal with you when you’re like this. Look at me, Ivy!”

Even in my drunken state, I could still feel the bruises forming as he gripped my arm and pulled me to face him. I could feel the tears starting to well up, and I didn’t want him to know he was doing this to me, so I pulled away and ran. For a moment, I forgot that the house was filled with people, and I ran headfirst into Kai, my closest friend. He took one look at me and knew something was wrong.

“Ivy, what’s going on? Why are you – oh. It’s him, isn’t it? What did he do to you, Ivy?”

I could feel the tears starting to fall as Kai pulled me into him and led me outside. Sobs racked my frail frame as he sat down beside me on the steps.

“I-I’m fine. Really, Kai, it’s n-nothing to worry ab-bout”

“Ivy, come on, don’t lie to me, I’m not blind. I see how he treats you.”

“He treats me fine” I mumbled, but the bruises on my arms made me doubt myself.

“Ive? Are you alright? Like, really and truly?” I couldn’t look at him, I knew I’d give everything away if I did, so I turned away and looked up at the stars. The night was cold, but clear, and there were hundreds of twinkling lights in the sky.

“Do you ever wish you could get away, Kai?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean”, I turned back to him. “Do you ever wish you could get away? Disappear for a while and not have to worry about anything or anyone? I feel like that sometimes…”

Kai put his arm around me. “I think we all feel a little like that at some time or another, Ive. But then you have to remember that it’s not possible. You can’t disappear and expect people not to worry about you, life doesn’t work like that”.

“I wish it did, then I wouldn’t have to pretend so much”.

“Pretend? Ivy, what are you talking about?”. He looked so confused and I was too drunk to even think about what I was saying at this point. What was the harm in telling him? Kai was my closest friend, I could trust him with my secret, right?

“Kai, can I tell you something? And you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone, okay?”

“Okay…?”

“You’ve got to promise”

“Okay, I promise” he crossed his heart.

“Kai, I can’t eat. Not properly anyway. I know I’m supposed to, I know it’s not healthy, what I’m doing, but I can’t help it. Everything I put in my mouth tastes awful, and I can never get more than a few bites into a meal before I start to feel sick” I could feel the tears starting to well up again, so I turned away.

“Ivy?” I turned back to look into his eyes, those big blue eyes that seemed to be able to look into your very soul. “I know. I’ve known for a few weeks. You think nobody notices you losing weight? I just never knew how to bring it up. Ivy, you can trust me, but you need to be taking care of yourself. This isn’t healthy, it’s dangerous. I need you to promise me you’ll let me help you”.

Telling Kai had been the most frightening thing I could ever think of doing, but now that it had happened, I felt like I could breathe. He was right, it really wasn’t healthy. And I didn’t know if I’d ever really be healthy and recovered, but for him, for my best friend, I was willing to try.

“I promise”. And this time, I really meant it.